FUCK OFF

2012-02-04T15:11:00.001+08:00

I lost myself along the way. Time to play a lil hide and seek with myself.

2012-02-04T00:18:00.002+08:00

I thought I was invincible, apparently I'm not, as per many things I thought myself to be. If I were to state out everything which has been bothering me, it'd be endless, and I'd just be making myself think of unnecessary stuff.

I had always remind myself to keep my head cool, and not to break under pressure, but then again, I'm only human. As many people said, its only a matter of time a balloon will burst as the pressure increases, what say a human?

Yes, I lost my cool, I fumbled, I broke.

Never did I thought all this time, I didn't manage to handle things well. All I did was to just take things as it was, and there is a limit to how much I can bottle things. The bubble just burst today, without warning. I didn't realise I was so tired, worn out mentally by so many issues.

During the monthly Sejahat prayers for the new recruits, I was asked to joined in, given that its my last month here on the island. Regardless of being a free-thinker, I prayed sincerely, for the recruits to be safe, for everything in the company to go well, and nothing bad to fall upon anyone in the company. Apparently, I forgot to also ask for things to go well for the commanders, and myself.

Its just one of the things you want to not think about, yet it'll pop up on your mind. Its human nature, normal thinking. Lets hope it doesn't take too long for me to regain my cool, keep my composure and end of my journey well.

2011-12-02T00:15:00.004+08:00

Ever feel messes up, I'm feeling more or less like that these days. I may have made the wrong move, said certain stuff which I shouldn't have, and somehow a barrier seemed to have been 'constructed'.

Weird is kinda my middle name, and its not unusual for people to see me this way. Not that I'm in any way better, special or any other word you can put it, I just see things from a different perspective from other people. It may not always be the best move, but its what defines me, what makes me who I am.

'思念', a piece I wrote, comes from the reflection I saw at Keppel. From then, reflections have given me the impression of show ourselves who we are, yet at the same time, we're only able to see what we do want to see. Paradox, irony, yes, but think about it, it (may) make(s) perfect sense.

Its a random post, and I'm gonna end it with a random confession. People may or may not know it, as much as I love Keppel, and everything related to it, I hate it just as much. For one, the place does make me feel calm, composed, clear my mind and stuff. On the other hand,

There are too many painful memories, some of them nice and sweet, and I always have to come back to them some point of time whenever I visit that very place. That very place where I feel safe.

2011-11-24T04:57:00.001+08:00

Ya, so the high up rich officer-of-the-freaking-family-brat is back, and as usual, is being treated like a damn celebrity, gloating about his 'slackness' again

Can't wait to book in, and stay in, totally.

2011-11-16T00:33:00.003+08:00

Reality Check, I'm not dreaming.

Never thought that a few days of movies, DVD and stuff, will get you to think about so much stuff. Stuff which you wouldn't think about during your free and normal times, if you get what I mean.

Look back into your past, times when you were innocent, naive, childish, and sincere, and you'll tend to think if all that is even possible in this supposedly 'turbulent' times. We complain about our work, not having enough time or money, how bitchy this particular friend is. The list never ends. Never did we stop for a moment, just a short while, to appreciate the important things we have, and had as well.

Shit happens, no one says it doesn't. This short period of time, close friends drifted, promises broken, my dear cousin got hospitalised, empty promises surface, my close bros are going to ORD soon, people start to not cooperate....

Nonetheless, there are the nicer part of life. I've gotten promoted to 2nd Sergeant, appointed chairman of NIESB (Youth), I'm given more chances to give back to my alma mater, one week of clearing leave (though I still have a lot left)....

Its just all these little little things which make life interesting, make us think and most importantly, make us human. I've been blessed with a good and decent dose of music making, though I have a lot to catch up to. It just makes anyone think about so many things, the past, present, future, family, friends and many more. There's so much essences, emotion infused in every single note, every single breath, every single phrase, its just heartbreaking.

Time to work, time to make a difference, time to make more and better music.

Lion King

2011-10-30T20:20:00.003+08:00

& so I finally watched the outstanding live musical in MBS, Lion King. With no words to be said, awesome is totally an understatement.

& I Just Can't Wait To Be King.. (well, who can!)

There are 101 reasons why Lion King remains one of the most popular classics, even to be transformed and recreated in the form of a musical. A simple story that sets people to think about many things, at least it did for me.

I came across this blog website which talks about life in the 90s, and I thought that its pretty interesting. So here's a lil advertising!
http://jeremysng.wordpress.com/2010/05/08/some-things-i-remember-from-the-90s/

On a 'heavier' note, I've been brooding about some stuff for some time, and yes, Victor and Sze Wee does find pleasure in disturbing me about it. I've spent time preparing stuff, which I asked myself if its worth it. I've questioned myself, my integrity, and perhaps my humanity, on whether if its right. At this point in time, I found the answer, at least temporarily. I can't be more than just a good friend, a reliable shoulder, an ever-ready-listening ear. I'm not ready, neither is anybody. Till then, leaving things status quo is probably the best, or perhaps some distance.

I'm still humming the tune in my head,
'I just can't wait to be king'!

2011-10-10T23:24:00.002+08:00

I'm feeling so much emotions now, that I don't know what to do, what to say.
Let the music speak.

2011-09-13T18:07:00.002+08:00

its hard, and chances are near zero,
but still, it'd be great to see you sitting in front of the stage,
this coming Sunday.

2011-08-31T00:09:00.003+08:00

Looking back at the past few weeks of eventful/uneventful days, it had me thinking about stuff. Just this past Saturday, I had the opportunity to go out with my dad for a simple meal to the nearby market, to meet my grandparents for lunch. As I was walking behind him, before catching up and walking next to him, I had a good look at his back. It was both nostalgic, and heart-breaking. Not that I'm any older than before, yet in the past where I can still remember as though it was yesterday, when I was 5 or 6, I remember running towards his big strong back, trying to catch up with his huge steps, with that 2 or 3 little steps of mine. Its that huge back, long legs, and thick black hair, which always motivates me, of the man I want to become when I grow up. However, this past saturday, I saw a shrunken, hunched back, skinny pair of legs and white hair with some patches of black. I had forgotten that even as I grow, my dad has become older too. It never occured as frequent to us, but as we're growing, so are our parents. They'll always be our role model, the man or woman we would want to grow into, yet as they grow older, becoming unavoidably more 'fragile', we'll always still be the lil child they know of when we're a baby, crawling on all fours, stumbling on our twos, getting our first 100marks for spelling, failing a test, graduating from our respective schools. Time to time, talk to them, let them know that they'll always be the most important people in our lives, let them know that we still care.

My first book-out and book-in CDS, wasn't as bad as I thought, perhaps because it was accompanied by a long weekend of 4 days, of which I managed to sort some thoughts, and catch up with many people, of which I hope to maintain contact with. However, booking in wasn't as easy as I thought. No it wasn't the duty part, but something which I thought I'd gotten over, but sadly I haven't. I'd seen recruits booking in and out alone, but most of them are accompanied by their parents, loved ones, friends, relatives and stuff. (Yes, a lil of childish whining now) Sadly, ever since the first book in, my parents didn't send nor fetch me, which makes me a lil jealous of my other batchmates, and even now, my recruits under me and even fellow commanders who still have people sending them off, and fetching them. Look on the more positive side, its to train my independence, but on the negative side, its just lonely. Probably this is the reason when I do stay in, I always try to avoid booking out, and while I'm out on a long weekend, I'll book in with an extremely heavy heart. Even now, the upcoming short book-outs, I'm contemplating on whether or not I should book out, or just stay in.

Still, only half of this batch has passed. I still have half more to go for this batch, to make sure they pass out as trained soldiers, a better person, a better man. Juggling between 'Sergeant Lucas' and 'Sin Hua', has always been a struggle, then again, no one ever said it wouldn't be. Nevertheless, as on my table top,
'Don't count the days, Make the days count.'

2011-08-20T10:17:00.002+08:00

Whoever said being a SPECIALIST would mean getting sandwiched in between your men (recruits or not) and the officers corp, was totally crap. He totally forgot about being sandwiched by your fellow SPECIALIST colleagues as well.

Just as always, things hasn't gone as well as I imagined, at the start, as usual. Nothing surprising, just that I didn't think that it would hit me that hard. If I were to rant it all out now, it'd take a long time, of which I don't see the point of how it would make anything better, nor help in anyway.

I just want a good weekend rest ahead, catch up with some people, make some music, and perhaps set myself on some resolutions (of which I'll definitely keep, thanks to my will/determination/stubbornness).

1. exercise whenever time's available to de-stress
2. last warnings before meting out punishments to fellow colleagues
3. make time for myself
4. gratitude reflection (since I doubt I have time for journalism)
5. get more rest
6. survive the upcoming week (HG and other stuff)
7. continue this list some other time.

2011-08-03T23:32:00.002+08:00

First day of CDS duty, and it was hell bitter-sweet.

I started off the day, with the my forecast of events all planned out, and things to prepare already prepared. I managed to acheive the very thing which I fear when I was carrying out my duty as a DS, a lack of information, the sense of knowning there's a lot to do, yet not knowing what to do at a certain time; the feeling of being lost. Yes, it grew to the point of being a lil irritating, but its better to be updated than not to be.

Here comes nightfall, and I was looking forward to a good ending, to tie up the steady start, but it was not meant to be. Not to elaborate the negative events, simply put, I was put in the middle of the target board for something I didn't plan, but had to support because of my appointment, and for something I wasn't informed of.

I'll be frank, it sucks, it really do. I'm the petty kind, but I've learnt to take things in my stride, yet somehow it doesn't seem as easy this time round. Its probably time to reflect on the entire day's event, and just let things go, though I know that it won't happen so easily. Nevertheless, one more thing to keep in mind:

Falling down only gives me a chance to climb back up stronger...

2011-07-30T00:54:00.002+08:00

First things first, Mum's back at my aunt's place, and she's recovering! Easy to tell that because she's her usual greedy, temperamental self, asking for food, and being so irritatingly annoying. Oh well, its nice to have her around, and in such high spirits!

Here's the downside, everyone else got a chance to let go of their normal, stressful army lives this short lull, which will end in 2 days, all but me. I'm not blaming my mum, just that her fell came at the time where I saved up to go Bintan for a short getaway, which apparently failed. With the new batch coming up, and a test to my abilities, I hope I can sustain both my fire and health throughout my 2 batches to come, probably this coming batch, or perhaps looking nearer, from tmr till the 19th, of my confinement week with the recruits!

There are so many things in my mind now, which I'd like to pen down, or rather, type it all out, but time isn't on my side, neither is my health. I visited the doctor for cough, he said I had flu fever, and all my medication will make me drowsy. Worse still, my checkup for my exercise- induced asthma was shifted forward to Whiskey's Grenade Live Throw day which I must be present.

So many things to do, so lil time, with my poor health being a bigger downside, I've got a lotta catching up to do. Like a someone said, 'Rmb, you're also only human!'

2011-07-24T00:00:00.002+08:00

Mum,

Please please please get well soon. You were always invincible, waking up at 2am and disturbing me, asking if I wanna have breakfast at that time, clearing up my army mess when I'm totally knocked out, making sure I swallow down the disgusting fruits which I dislike.....

It really pains me to see you in such a frail state, yet I know I mustn't show any signs of weaknesses, or worrying, as not to worry you further. I'm going through crap and shit right now, but I'm a big boy now, and I'll be fine. I've done up the laundry, mopped the floor, washed the toilets, and even prepared my bed for you to sleep more comfortably when you get back.

So hurry up, recover, and come back. I miss seeing your smile.

2011-07-13T22:18:00.004+08:00

What defines you? Your person or what you do?

Different people calls it by different names. There's 'determination', 'fortitude', 'will' on one hand. On the other, 'stubbornness', 'pride', 'ego', and the list is definitely not exhaustive. I was high on running these days, with several 'end' in mind, not that I read the 7 habits of effective people or what. Its simple, to get stronger, physically, and more importantly, mentally. For starters, it'll prepare me for my upcoming Army Half Marathon of 21km, and also improve my fitness. What's more crucial to me, is that it'll train me to be mentally strong. If I can keep with my training schedule diligently, and run the distances, it'd more or less strengthen my will, or really show me how much determination I have in completing what's not easy for me.

Moments ago, a good friend of mine lectured me again, or perhaps 'advised', for a better word, out of nothing but pure good and kind intentions, after hearing that I'm running again, putting my health at risk. I had a meeting with my fellow PS colleagues, as well as a talk with my previous PS and current PC, who were advising me as a colleague, superior, and a friend. From a point of view, they were concerned about my health, though I still sense that tinge of dissatisfaction that I'm joining them as equals though I'm a junior with one less batch's experience (with regards to the other PS). On the other hand, they were hinting indirectly to me, and no, I'm not imagining this.

They posed questions asking if I'm ready to equip myself with the Full Battle Order, which consists of a 9kg Full Pack load, 2kg Integrated Load Bearing Vest, 3 liters water bag, 1 liter water bottle and finally, my 4.5kg SAR 21 Rifle, which adds to a grand total of 15kg of load on me, and more importantly, most of the weight is on my chest, which happens to give me a lot of problem. They asked how am I able to take care of my recruits, one level higher, ensure the efficiency of my men, and more importantly, their safety, during training, when I have to take care of my own.

I can't fault them for being so direct/indirect, and pulling me down like that. Like it or not, that is what they've observed from my previous 2 batches. After running, I'll try to ensure all my men are accounted for, den pass some instructions to my other colleagues to take over for 5-10 mins, sometimes even longer, while I get out of sight from everyone, more importantly from the recruits, to recuperate. There are many times, I pulled myself through sheer will, to my office, and once I'm inside, my legs just gave way, and I just collapse. Route marches so far, have been bitches to me. After the longer route marches, 12km and above, I tend to be unable to stay composed, and sometimes even disorientated, unable to commit to my duties during every rest point. My PC, who's the conducting officer the past 2 batches, donning the FBO, will not be so, this coming batch, meaning I'll be the one leading the platoon in FBO. I was informed by him, that if needed, he'll pull me out of the march, and just be a safety spec, while he, again, will lead the platoon in FBO.

Yes, my pride is coming into play now, and again. Most of the stuff I've done so far, if I've not completed it through struggle, I pulled through them through sheer will, and sheer will alone. Time and time again, many people said I couldn't achieve certain things, yet who are they to say that, who are they to define you?

Are you willing to let fate decide for you, or you deciding your own fate?

Adults tell me I definitely won't sustain my interest in music, or more precisely, piano playing, for long, let I've immersed myself in the world of music for a good 17 years and counting. People say I can't study, yet I've pulled through JC life with fair results, without any academic help from my family members, and I'm the first in my generation of my family to do so. People say I won't make it through my Specialist Course, of which one veto factor was to pass the Standard Obstacle Course in under 10 mins, and yet, I did so at a timing of 9.18 through sheer will, though I got evacuated to NUH as an emergency case with a 3hour void in my memory.

The point here is not to act macho, or to prove other people wrong. Part of it is probably my Specialist pride, 'You don't have to be the first, but you can't afford to be the last'. It is to prove to yourself that you can do it, and either you give your best doing it, and literally die trying, or don't do at all. Yes, its foolish, to die trying and all that crap, but think about it, if you aren't going to give in your best, your 110% when you do things, why bother trying when the results won't be the very best that you can produce?

Now, while I'm enjoying my lull, or perhaps just going through it, its probably the best time to train hard, and push myself to become stronger. Its never a good thing to push myself so hard, given my physical condition, yet if not now, when? 3 weeks time when my new recruits come, and to collapse in front of them?

I'm not ashamed of my condition, never was, never will be. I was born with it, and there's nothing much I can do, except to train hard to push my limits further with my mind. In fact, as compared to 'normal' people, I'm putting more effort to accomplish things where some 'normal' people can't even do, which I'm totally proud of myself. The point is not to prove any point to anyone, but to never walk away with any regrets, knowing that you can do better, as a civilian, a recruit, a commander, and more importantly, as a person.

To end this post with a smile, knowing that I'm clear with what I want, and what I'm doing,
& here's to tadpole, SMILE TOO, and all your troubles will go away!

2011-07-12T19:16:00.003+08:00

& the pain reminds us that we're alive, so be grateful.

I was woken up one minute earlier before my alarm starts to wake the entire family up by the excruciating uncomfortable pain from my body. Somehow, every part of my body is just screaming in pain, asking me to rest furthermore, yet I know it, in my mind, I have to wake up and go. Accompanying this, was a horrible nightmare, which I shall not elaborate. I might have mentioned this previously, 'nightmares/dreams are reflections of your inner thoughts, feelings and desires' It was not a pleasant experience to start a day like that.

Oh well, screw it, I guess tmr can't be any worse, can it?

2011-07-10T23:28:00.002+08:00

Tadpole, this is for you!

2011-07-09T23:20:00.003+08:00

Ever felt like a liability?
The one thing I've been looking forward to in a long time, to relax and enjoy,
turns out to be nothing, yet again.

2011-07-06T11:10:00.002+08:00

People see notes, I see colours.
People hear music, I hear stories.
People expresses dynamics, I express true heartfelt feelings.

I wanna run, I wanna play. I wanna sing, I wanna dance.
Sometimes, you just wanna be free.

A tad of emptiness

2011-07-04T20:03:00.003+08:00

My route march with my second batch ended yesterday, indeed with pride, honour and glory. I barely survived it with a tad of fever, nausea and vomiting but hell yea, I've made it. It marked the end of my section ccommander tour, and the start of my platoon sergeant appointment, for at least the next batch.

Yea, I'm back here, mainly cuz I need someone to talk to, yet I can't do so. There are people around, but they have their priorities, and it'd be totally selfish of me to keep troubling them about my problems, no matter how deep or disruptive they might be to me. They deserve time without me disturbing them, troubling them. For those who happen to chance across this, its not that I don't trust you, but I really don't wanna bother you with my unnecessary rambling, but then again, I'm putting it here so that I'm not hiding it from you, and you'd still know what's going on. Hope you'd understand.

I managed to start my recovery process with a deep slumber from 6pm on Sunday, to 11am Monday. Yes, there were knockouts every now and then, here and there, but clearly they were insufficient, and with that, I'm feeling the perfect pink of health now, to start my workout regime tmr! An email was sent out to all companies, or rather, an optional challenge. a clocked millage of 200km, within 3 months, to receive a special shirt for free, and to prepare us for the upcoming Army Half Marathon. I'm already planning to run tomorrow, if my mind and body do not fail me, to Rocky Hill, and back again!

That being said, I've already started preparing myself to be physically and mentally 'upgraded', if that's the word to be used. It'd be to the point where I have to depend on my inhaler, or even rest for one hour, to get myself fitter and stronger. I'm prepared to make the risk, yet again, during this period where I do not have the responsibility of my recruits yet.

Yes, I've been told many times, even by my own family, to just sound off to the MO, and just down-pes. I could have taken the easy way out, but what would it mean to those who've supported me all the way, from BMT, to the gruelling ASLC, and worse till, to me? If I just do that, I'd be disgracing myself, and the fellow recruits who have trained under me. I'm physically less capable, yes, but I'm not weak, mentally. Its never easy for me to run long distances, do PT, walk route marches, it never was, it never is. I still feel excruciating pain in my chest, I feel my heartbeat all the way to my fingertips and toes, I still have to struggle to the back of the stadium and recuperate on my own many times, not in the sight of the recruits, even if it means collapsing.

To many others, it just seems all talk, but ask yourself this, just ask yourself. How low can a commander get if he does not demonstrate the very least he expects from those under him; the best. How would I be able to lead by example if I just fall out when I feel these never ending pain when I shout at my recruits to stay strong and endure? Yes, it might be 'wayang-ness' to many people, commanders and recruits, so what? I've believed in one thing in trainings, of which I've shown my part of it when I was a trainee myself: SINCERITY.

There are times where I slack off, or times I'd find myself a shortcut, no doubts about it. But during trainings, I'd be sincere in the effort I put in, giving it my all, despite my shortfalls. I'd made sure that even if I had to fall-out, or just drop halfway, it wouldn't be a case where I had not put in my 110%. Its this sincerity which my commanders recognise, and they'd given me the opportunity to continue throughout my course, and not pull me out of it. Its this sincerity which I've earned the trust and respect of my true buddies and in turn motivate those who did not think they can do it, and not just get their pity or sympathy.

Despite how cliche it might sound, but I earned my rank, along with the respect I should deserve. I made it through with a partial disability, which I don't see as a hinder, but something which just require me to put in more effort. It was never easy for me to go through all this, it never is, and it never will be. Nevertheless, it does not warrant me to not give in my 100%, nor does it mean I should be granted any privileges.

I'm a true Whiskey, one who knows the meaning of "For Pride, Honour, Glory. Hunt For Glory, WHISKEY"

& the darkness was filled with happiness

2011-07-01T21:26:00.002+08:00

Just reached home not long ago, after 'sacrificing' my previous 2 nights-out. I happened to join my dad in watching a show on CNA, about ladyboy in Thailand, or what most people would call 'tranny'. I'm not really a supporter of them, and in fact, I'm a lil disgusted by them, sad to say the least, but not to the point of showing discrimination. At the very most, I'd be more careful and aware of the people when I do visit Thailand.

This aside, I spotted a similarity between the show, and how I was feeling these days. A bad mix of confusion and gloomy. Its not that I have a 'lady-side' in me that I wanna set free, nor am I a ladyboy.

Acceptance.

Through their stories, you might not accept them, but definitely, you'll come to sympathize with them. Its not what we would call 'natural', nor 'normal', to feel what they feel, but then again, its something they can't fight despite trying. Despite all the discrimination from the public, and worse still, from their own family, all they are looking for is acceptance. Sadly, it won't happen anytime soon. I'm not gonna be a hypocrite, and say I accept them after the show, but still, it'd given me some new insights about the third gender of the world.

The show aside, I had a short session with my former sergeant, now my colleague and ACSM, as well as the other 3 current APS, or PS to be. I finally realised the reason for the feeling of bring out of place, which I've felt for so long. Acceptance. I wanted to be accepted into their ranks, as equals, of having the same appointment, despite being a batch younger. I was a brat, maybe I still am, but I'm trying. This insecurity I'm feeling does not only come from the job scope, but rather, my working peers as well. The next coming batch, there will need to be no more nonsense, and worse/better still, I've to guide my peers of the same batch, age, rank. Its not about commanding them, nor leading them, but to truthfully earn their respect, and to be accepted by them. Right now, I'm neither here nor there. I'm neither with the more senior 55th batch, or close with my own 56th batch, just because I came back to Whiskey 3 months earlier than the rest, as a result, being more 'lao jiao' than them.

Its ironic, all this time, or rather, these 6 months, I've been giving advices to my recruits, to be more sociable, and to interact more with their peers, get along...... Yet, I'm the one who's showing a lack of such initiative, and this basic social skill.

I've one more month, just one more month, to prepare myself, and the next 2 months to prove myself.

Forget all these, tmr's my 24km route march. Time to prepare my inhaler!

Uneasiness For Me? You? Who?!

2011-06-30T23:05:00.004+08:00

Today marks nearly the end of another batch, and soon, the beginning of a new one. The recruits handed in their commanders' appraisal, supposingly to note the positive and negative points of every commander. It was the moment of truth, as well as fear, to see if the recruits could see my effort, while still able to honestly point out my flaws. My previous batch, I couldn't relate well to them as a commander. In the end, I was lost within myself, a struggle between a good section commander, and a big brother, a friend. This batch, they've given me the reassurance that I did the 'right' thing, made the 'right' changes. I finally found a efficient and effective working style, though there are times where I tried to make things a lil too 'fun', that the recruits are unable to easily tell when I'm serious, when I'm not.

Just as I was getting adaptive to becoming a good section commander, a nice working colleague, I was greeted with the reminder that come next batch, in one month's time, I'll become a platoon sergeant. My new 2 I/C popped the question, 'Do you wanna go to the PS course, in September?' It was a moment of mixed feelings, a feeling of satisfaction, as well as confusion and fear. It would confirm my placing as a platoon sergeant for the next two batches, as well as perk up my confidence in being one. If I do happen to do well this coming batch, which would be a probation period for me, an observation to others, I'll retain my appointment for the following batch. If not, I'll get 'demoted'.

My mind has been a roller coaster ride these days, thinking about the end of my section commander tour, coming to a platoon sergeant. All the additional responsibilities, extra weight upon my shoulders. My faith in me being able to handle all the stress has begun to waver. As compared to the others, I am a batch 'early' to become a PS, and probably a tad too immatured to become one. The short but gruelling 2 week mandatory course, would push me to my limits again, meaning the probability of going all blank, and dropping limp yet again.

Despite all this, I'm grateful to have my dearest budd, and a good close friend to chat with, in addition to the emotionally rewarding and stomach-aching recruits' evening, where the recruits put up performances, imitating the commanders, and showing their appreciaion to our efforts in their own unique way. Sadly, it was only a temporary, but fulfilling getaway, which I needed, despite the fact that I could use a longer getaway!

Roar! Time to rest, and I'm playing 'Shades Of Grey' through my head, as I look through the scores on my laptop, editing it in my head!

(DIS)connected

2011-06-25T16:05:00.003+08:00

Disclaimer: Ignore the defeatist tone, as well as the GP like 'debate'. Its gonna be a bunch of random thoughts and feelings.

'F C', and 'Shades Of Grey', as requested, are completed. Its nostalgic, playing something others requested, but feeling totally attached to the song. Well, an early visit back to GESS again, to visit the dear piano outside the music room. Today wasn't as conducive as per normal, not blaming anyone, but because SJAB was having some drills rehearsal. Because of that, I left after a short 2-3 hours of playing. Now that the two pieces are named, its time to touch up both of them!

Finally, one more week, and my 2nd batch of recruits are gonna pass out, meaning I'll be having my 2nd 24km route march as a commander! I haven't been a good section commander, due to my commitments and the need to learn to become a PS, thats why I really hope this last week of theirs in BMT, I can make it fun and enjoyable for them.

Thats about all the good things which happened. There's this saying of how technology connects all of us, makes the world a smaller place. Yet ironically, it shows us how disconnected we are, how separated we are from one another, or perhaps its just me. I can't remember when was the last time I went crazy, sang and danced my heart out with my peers out of army. The last time I went back to GESSBand, I can't remember when. Last meal with my buddies, no recollection. Most recent meeting up with my dearest budd? No idea. I saw these pictures of my buddies celebrating one of their birthdays; it was both heartwarming and screwed up at the same time. Its always nice to see that ppl you care, are still doing well. On the other hand, your very absence in the picture, even worse, not knowing that this event occurred, just screw your feelings up so bad you wanna dig a hole, and just cry there.

My colleagues, peers and even recruits from the army, all go out celebrating their nightlife, drink, drank, drunk and partying their bookouts to their hearts' content, yet I visit the library, walk by the riverside, stay at home, do some music through composing, my flute or the piano.

Then comes the question of 'what if's. What if I didn't go to JC, but rather, attend Poly? What if I didn't join band in the first place? What if I opt to down-pes, and get an 8-5 vocation? What if I, too, spend/waste money every week to club, party and socialise?

Yes, my pessimism is coming again, but there's no denying what I'm currently feeling. Its a mixture of being pathetic, sucky, and all things negative, with a glimpse of satisfaction I have from the two compositions.

Ah, screw it.

Time for a nap.

eventful/ uneventful day

2011-06-18T21:55:00.002+08:00

Finally, out after close to 3 weeks of staying in camp, where everything seems so unrelentingly refreshed. It ended with an early book out on Thursday, a Friday of recuperation, and a Saturday of reflection.

On a lighter (perhaps not so light) note, army life had a break after an excruciating close-to-3-weeks of staying in. A short period of 3 weeks, things turned ugly, recruits got injured, couple of asthma relapses, lots of mind-f***ing and perhaps a good time to plan, force- prep and reflect for the week ahead. 02/11 is coming to an end, and it doesn't seem as fruitful as my first and previous batch. Under the starry sky (yet again), I've thought of many contributing factors, or rather pathetic excuses, of why did this happen. I might have read too much into being an APS, and to prep myself into being a PS for the upcoming batch, that I forgot about what does it mean to be a section commander, forgot about the kind of sergeant I've pledged to be. I'm exhausted, a lil, but the fire's not out yet, just flickering. Its definitely not a looking-forward-to-ORD-mode kinda feeling, but just the kind where you need a lil breathing space. I'm looking forward to really doing some fruitful reflection for this current batch, as well as preparing myself both physically and mentally, comes this upcoming short lull period.

Yes, I practically concussed till afternoon on Friday, yet again. I went around, for some myself-time. Tiong park, Great World City, Taka, National and Esplanade Library. Accompanied by my trustworthy I-touch, a small backpack and some $30 bucks, it was a day of walking, window shopping and recuperation. Sadly, things weren't as well during my nap back at home in the late evening. I had a dream, a freaky one at that. I had a confrontation with myself, regarding everything that has happened lately. Not going into the details, or I'll be owing someone ice-cream due to my defeatist tone! I woke up in a shock, literally cold sweat, confused yet enlightened. These flaws which the other me pointed out, didn't show me how weak I was, but how much room I can improve. As the saying goes, how much you limit yourself, is how far you can go!

Today was a day of music, from 9am to a good 1pm, with a very good friend of mine. Jay Chou, JJ Lin, Chopin, Disney, Joe Hisaishi, Jim Brickman, Yiruma, Maksim and even JMC/JXM all came visiting through the 88 black and white keys, the minor and major chords, and the different colours their music produce. After which, its a date with my flute, and to decide if I should join in the tune-in at NIE tmr. It wasn't much, but still, playing the flute, my broken piano at home, and the piano in GESS, reminded me of why do I do music. The very simplicity of it, when I can freely express myself without any restrictions, and share my feelings with everyone are what matter most.

Regardless of all that happen, the good and the bad, I'm currently feeling lost. It might be the rigidity of army life. Perhaps I should look for something new and refreshing, try out something new, fun and crazy. Let my hair down (perhaps?), and just dance crazy with music blasting in the background! Nevertheless, its time to redefine my identity, break the monotony of life, and improve myself.

Ok, time for a walk!

2011-05-21T11:39:00.002+08:00

Ever wondered how you appeared in your dreams halfway, with totally no recollection of how it started? Ever pondered upon the fact that how months in a dream is simply a few hours which you are resting your tired mind? I have.

Had a dream just yest night, one I didn't have for quite a while, one which wasn't pleasant. I saw Yul, and somehow it hurt so much again, hurt so much which I thought I would have gotten over everything to the extent of not feeling anything. Like in those cheesy dramas, it rained, and I believe I teared. It seemed like days I've stood there, till a car hit me down, and I woke up breathless, slightly hyperventilating, with the need to use my inhaler again.

Please tell me that I'm thinking too much.

Losing My Way, Losing Myself

2011-05-11T14:34:00.003+08:00

Some time back, or rather, a few months back, I remembered learning navigation, using the compass and map, working with a detail of 7-men to find our way through terrain which you could not find in Singapore (or perhaps you did not think that you can find!). True enough, you can't ride a bike without falling, nor can you navigate without losing your way a few times. After a few practices of a few days, even till now, I dare say I'm pretty proficient in my navigating skills, that's if you give me a updated map and compass (a GPS would be good too).

Sadly, that doesn't apply to real life. Hard Truths: There are no MAPS, LANDMARKS, DIRECTIONS, GPS or COMPASSES which works in reality. You'd just have to keep losing your way, then find it again, problem is, you don't know how far will the 'right route' take you till you have to take a turn. Yea, its sucks, but some people are better in navigating through the most challenging terrain of all called LIFE. Some people are naturals, some people are planted on expressways, shortcuts, and roads to success. There will be bound to be people who are not that 'lucky'.

There's this group of people whom, no matter how hard they try, are just not presented with the right route. Instead, they meet obstacles, dead ends, detours, sometimes even round-a-bouts without knowing. In the end, some will make it to the finishing point, the exit. But there are this number of people who will never get a chance to find it, some because of missing two way points called 'OPPORTUNITY' and 'CHANCE', while others, its just pure 'LOUSY LUCK'.

For me, I don't have the luck of being born to the first category, but I don't blame anyone. Within the second group of people, I belong to the 'unlucky' category. Yea, I might not put in as much effort as other at times, but there are factors contributing to it, which is not the main point. I've bypassed 'OPPORTUNITY' and 'CHANCE', and when I do realize, then backtrack to find them, they're just gone. Gone.

The road in front of me isn't easy, its never ending. Its not only filled with ups and downs, but terrible terrain full of all the undesirable things mentioned above; obstacles, dead ends, pitfalls...... but who am I to judge, who am I to choose, who am I to complain? There might be others who's living a worse 'fate' than I am, yet they just continue to walk down that path. I'm current lost, not only having lost my way, but in the process of losing myself, my identity. People have different weaknesses, ignore the fatal kinds, mine is being influence by others, through any means possible.

People point me in any direction, I'd tend to walk there; I see sign boards, I'd just follow. As much as that is a strength to some, its my Kryptonite. For now, I've stopped in my tracks after just walking down the road, where ever it may lead me. Its perhaps time for me to retrace my steps, take a breather, and really plan out my route. Its simply just not the time to continue to walk blindly, losing my way, and even worse, losing myself.

2011-04-22T00:49:00.003+08:00

So the newest episode of SPN finally aired, thanks to a reliable source and a terribly good - new friend! Imagine what would happen if you found out that 'fate' is (are) actually sisters, rather, triplets! Well, that's beside the point.

Its sooner than expected that I'm turning back to JAF, but its probably my most comfortable area where I can pour my heart (or rather, nonsense-filled bitching) to. Recently, I've been finally commented that I've been keeping too many things to myself, and not opening up to others, probably to the point of neglecting them. Its a feeble attempt, but I've made effort to try to interact with people whom I was close to before, and it was of no avail. Perhaps its because I'm not trying hard enough, perhaps time is too short to tell, but it didn't turn out fine for me, and frankly speaking, I'm discouraged and demoralized to try again, at least not in the short run. Nevertheless, my new found friend, I thank you for being there, to listen to my nonsense, and cheer me on unconditionally. You won't get to see this (because you have no idea this ranting page of mine existed), but I'm grateful for our friendship.

Unhappy things aside, I've visited GESS today, to collect some scores for NIESB (Youth). Met some familiar faces, as well as caught up with old acquaintances! I went through the scores which I've borrowed, and this fire, passion starts to burn again. Memories of the time where I stood in front of the band, nagging them on their tuning, phrasing, with the baton in my hand starts to flow into my head rapidly. I've attended SNYO's concert, yet again, this evening. It was a great concert, though a different kind. Orchestral music was never my liking, but I'm giving it a chance, by attending more orchestral concerts (SSO and SNYO). Hearing a live orchestra, even though I wish that it was a band, ignited the spark which lit up the flame which has dimmed for a long time. The moment I reached home, I looked for my baton and did something which many people would label it as stupid or even crazy. Like when I was sec 2, and when I was required to conduct the band, I would practise in front of the mirror, imagining that there's a live band for me to conduct. I would look at my stance in the mirror, eyes scanning through the conductor scores, ears listening carefully to the music played in the background, my mind processing each note in each staff, imagining the kind of sound produced, and what should be my next move...... Somehow, this feeling, so near yet so far, would remain unreachable for quite a while, not at least till my NS finishes!

Hopefully, I can adjust myself to the two different lives I'm living, the one inside of Tekong, and the one outside. There are many times I'm a hypocrite, telling others not to be negative, yet here I am, bitching away like a whiny kid. Note taken, instead of wasting my life away, complaining about things not going well for me, I'll be the change, one way or another. Like I've told a friend, and that person in turn told me back, there are times where you have to do things for no one, but yourself.

To sum it up, I know its a random post, I need to stop bitching, and start to take some action.
No more 'I should reflect more', but this time, more of "I BRING IT".

2011-04-14T06:21:00.005+08:00

Yes, and you've guessed it, I'm back on this little sunny Tekong island island again. The place where it all started for me, the place of beautiful memories, Whiskey, my second home, for now.

Recently, I've been trying to put things into perspective, all things good and bad. Basically, right now, right here, during the lull period where there's no recruits to bother you, nothing for your boss to boss you around, you practically have all the time in the world to just sit down there and rot, or make better use of your time, to clean up the area, plan for the next batch, or even better (purely no sarcasm intended), reflect upon what has happened.

Many people calls it 'emo', but I beg to differ. Its just to spend quality time with yourself alone, look within yourself and think back upon what has happened, good and bad, all the 5Ws1H. Ya I know, this is starting to sound just like another stupid essay which we have been trying to escape since primary school.

'Emo has a negative connotation to it that isn't broad enough. We all need quiet time for ourselves', words of wisdom from a new, close acquaintance of mine.Perhaps many things have been oblivious to me, that I've been trying to hard to please everyone, that I forgot what I once loved, who I once was.

Last night, a night with totally nothing to do, I got the chance to just stare up at the sky, dark but nevertheless, as usual, full of stars. It was lucky for me that it didn't rain, just like last the last few nights. Well, looking at the starry night, and just thinking back on what has happened, I might have been trying to hard to be someone who I wasn't. Nevertheless it was better that way in certain cases, but I'd have sacrificed a lot. Things didn't turn our pretty, most of the time, and while trying to make things better, improve the situation, all I did was to worsen it.

Sad to say, my first batch was quite an experience. They were like 'guinea pigs' to me, trying to find the correct 'formula', the right system for me to use to 'handle' them. I've been trying so hard to be a good commander, a good colleague, that many a times, I've forgotten what is it like to be a good friend. Clearly, Sergeant Lucas, the other 'identity' of Sin Hua, isn't that good after all.

For a change, using this lull period as a start, its probably time for me to embark on something different, a change. Its probably fairer to others, and most importantly, myself, to just be who I am. Regardless of what other people think, its better to trust my own judgement, with others' advices under serious consideration, and learn each time I fall (of course, I hope that I don't fall too often, otherwise it'd have send a wrong signal to other people).

Yea, lets see what the next few weeks say about this change of mine.

On a lighter note, this friend of mine, just got me back into composing again! A theme, something about long alleyways, something relaxing about strolling and finding peace with just a tinge of melancholy. I've done a few short pieces, or rather, tunes or a extremely amateur level, its the first time I'm attempting something fresh - to work on a theme. Its something new, a request from a kind soul who offers to listen to my boring nonsense, coupled with my own feelings, 'relevant' to what I am and have been going through these past months. Well, the name of the song isn't exactly under my charge, nor is the song completed yet, but it may be a side of me, I don't even know of, afterall, music reflects what the musician feels about the piece, even more, what the composer is feeling.

Till the next time when I touch on an exciting conversation with a friend, about the TV series, Supernatural, its time for me to carry on with my change, as well as completing the piece.

It doesn't matter that you're lying in the gutter. I doesn't matter that your brain's all cluttered. It doesn't matter that you're covered in scars, you're never in the gutter with your eyes on the stars.

2011-04-11T23:36:00.002+08:00

& so, my first batch of recruits POP-ed at the floating platform.

The feeling was totally nostalgic. Despite the difference in location, and now that I'm a sect comm, its feels so similar, yet so different. Yes, I've walked this 24km in SBO, with my assault bag containing lots of crap for the GP, and I already feel the toll on my body, let alone next time where I'll have to handle FBO. Despite all that I've been through, I'm still reliant on my inhaler, which, sadly, I use often as a preventive measure. Its a reminder for me that I've a lot to do, to overcome this problem, and time is definitely not on my side.

This 9 months have been crazy, the 15 civilians under me transformed into 15 trained soldiers.
Elliot, Zhi Ying, Ryan, Soon Seng, Patrick, Hong Run, Li Cheng, Karan, Ashwin, Jonathan Ong, Pranav, Lawrence, Yan Yan, Phillip.
You all have been the greatest section of all. Perfect score (almost BEST SHOT), Best PT, Plt Best (ALMOST COY BEST), I couldn't ask for more. I'm a flawed sect comm, wasn't really even comparable to any of the 'old birds', yet you've worked with me tirelessly throughout this 9 weeks. I've seen the old me in each and every single one of you, seen you all grow, just as I've grown together with you all. I'm proud to be your sect comm, not because of your individual achievements which I didn't play any part in helping you all get it, but for all the effort you have shown me. The resilience when times are shitty, sense of urgency which you've learned it the hard way and all the little little experiences you've gained. From the start of the 24km, till your tossing of your jockey caps, I'm proud to be there by your side. Thanks for condoning my shortcomings, and be frank about all the things I should improve on in the commanders' appraisal. I'll definitely change for the better. Where ever you're posted to, I wish you all the best!

2011-04-10T22:56:00.001+08:00

BUDD!
NOW YOU KNOW I'M VICTIM NO. 30!

”How was the test?” “I failed…”

ENEMY - HAHAHAHA! Serves you right!
FRIEND - Okay…
GOOD FRIEND - Aww cheer up. You’ll do better next time.
BEST FRIEND - HAHAHAHA! I FAILED TOO! HIGH-FIVE!

DANG!

2011-04-05T00:03:00.002+08:00

How would you feel if you see your colleagues, your brothers in arms, whom you are, or I'd suppose, were close with, just back stab one another. Yea, so you've guessed, thats the dilemma I'm currently facing. Fellow commanders, brothers, just talking bad about one another behind each others' backs. Its because of this, I've yet again lose trust in those around me, I've yet lose people whom I can confide in. Its because of this, I ask myself 'What do they say about me behind my back?', and who can I really trust.

& so the past memories of our friendship yet returns like a shooting star, distinct, but short.

2011-04-02T21:26:00.001+08:00

BUDD!

Differences between friends & best friends

FRIENDS: Will comfort you when he rejects you.
BEST FRIENDS: Will go up and ask him, “It’s because you’re gay, isn’t it?”
FRIENDS: Will be there for you when he breaks up with you.
BEST FRIENDS: Will call him up and whisper, “you will die in Seven days…”
FRIENDS: Help you up when you fall.
BEST FRIENDS: Keeps on walking saying, “Walk much, dumb ass?”
FRIENDS: Help you find your prince.
BEST FRIENDS: Kidnap him and brings him to you.
FRIENDS: Will ask you if you’re okay when you’re crying.
BEST FRIENDS: Will laugh at you and say, “Ha Ha, Loser!”
FRIENDS: Will offer you a soda.
BEST FRIENDS: Will dump theirs on you.
FRIENDS: Will sit at the side of the pool with you at that time of the month.
BEST FRIENDS: Will throw you a tampon and push you in.
FRIENDS: Gives you their umbrella in the rain.
BEST FRIENDS: Takes yours and says, “Run, fucker, run!”
FRIENDS: Will help you move.
BEST FRIENDS: Will help you move the bodies.
FRIENDS: Will bail you out of jail.
BEST FRIENDS: Would be in the room next to you saying, “That was awesome! Let’s do it again!”
FRIENDS: Would bail you out of jail again
BEST FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying “DAMN!” we messed up!
FRIENDS: Never ask for anything to eat or drink.
BEST FRIENDS: Help themselves and are the reason why you have no food.
FRIENDS: Call your parents by Mr. and Mrs. and Grandpa, by Grandpa.
BEST FRIENDS: Call your parents DAD and MOM and Grandpa, GRAMPS!
FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
BEST FRIENDS: Wont tell everyone else you cried…just laugh about it with you in private when your not down anymore.
FRIENDS: Asks you to write down your number.
BEST FRIENDS: Have you on speed dial.
FRIENDS: Borrows your stuff for a few days then gives it back.
BEST FRIENDS: Loses your stuff and tells you, “My bad…here’s a tissue.”
FRIENDS: Only know a few things about you.
BEST FRIENDS: Could write a very embarrassing biography on your life story…
FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that is what the crowd is doing.
BEST FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowd’s ass that left you
FRIENDS: Would knock on your front door.
BEST FRIENDS: Walk right in and say “I’M HOME.”
FRIENDS: You have to tell them not to tell anyone.
BEST FRIENDS: Already know not to tell.
FRIENDS: Are only through high school/college. (aka: drinking buddies)
BEST FRIENDS: Are for life.
FRIENDS: Will be there to take your drink away from you when they think you’ve had enough.
BEST FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place & say “Girl drink the rest of that ! You know we don’t waste!
FRIENDS: Would read and ignore this.
BEST FRIENDS: Will repost this :)

*yea, i took it from your site!*

2011-03-30T17:52:00.002+08:00

Somehow, this childish game of 'new spec - old spec' crap is way bullshit. Just because of this two words, there's so much distaste between everyone. Its not that I mind doing more 'chores' as compared to the other more senior specs in the company. In fact, its a good experience for me, to learn more things, so I can handle different appointments if given to me in the near future, in my following 4 batches. True enough, I seem to get all the crappier dates for Duty Sergeant, Company Orderly Sergeant, Guard Duties and other regimental duties, but what can I say, its just all pure lousy luck, and thats what I choose to believe. Just as I'm forced to believe in things in the more positive way, the negative side just seem to keep coming out. Things which I've chosen to ignore from the start just seem to appear even more often. Crappy dates are reserved for the "NEW SPECS" just because they're new, and they must go through all the crap the "OLD SPECS" have gone through. Its totally bullshit, really BULLSHIT. So am I allowed to let the younger specs who are coming in soon, get all the same bullshit, and be a f-up senior to them? My answer: No. In many ways, I've tried to be a good section commander, picked up positive things from my previous commanders, my fellow colleagues in Whiskey, and sad to say, use the current batch as guinea pigs, in order to 'do the right thing at the right time', and rightfully call myself a good commander. True enough, I'm the only new spec of my batch in Whiskey, so there are not many people whom I can relate to, other than Sze Wee and Bryan who are of my age, and my previous commanders when I was a recruit. Yet, its these same people whom I respect, who just seem to keep giving me this feeling of distaste. Nevertheless, as a human being, I'll also whine, and gumble inside of me when I'm given extra chores, but the thing is, I'll still do it, without saying anything, while looking on the brght side of learning more. However, is it fair enough to ask me to clean the office up, when they are the ones who made a mess in the first place, and they have the time while I don't, to clean the mess up? Is it fair enough to make a blunder, den shoot the spotlight at me? Is it fair for me to do things which could have been done the previous day when I wasn't the DS and there's plenty of time as compare to when I'm DS and time is tight? Is it fair for me not to be granted leave when I do request for it, and when the others just seem to be granted the same privellege whenever they want? Yes, the truth isn't what it seems, but this vicious cycle has been here for quite some time, and its just getting worse. This cycle of hatred, of 'bullying' the new specs seems to get even stronger with each coming batch. Its not the thrill of having more juniors, or the feeling of seniority coming to the youngest batch of specs asn the newly posted out sergeants fill in the empty slots in the company. Its just the sight of seeing them 'tank' all the crap, which should be shared among every single sergeant, every single specialist. How does it reflect upon oneself, telling people that you're gonna ORD, forsaking your current job to be the master of force-prep, regementation and dicipline, skiving off duties, not doing the right thing at the right time, doing the wrong things at both the right and wrong times? I think back upon what a previous spec and fellow commander has mentioned (though only for a very short while), 'I am only a 3SG. I will obey my superior's instructions........ whether I like it or not.' Before anything, Eriffin, this is not to put you down, although what you've said is currently what I'm going through, I refuse to accept it. One way or another, this vicious cycle is going to stop. If I can't make a difference, at least I'd fail while trying. If I'm going to become someone who my fellow juniors and recruits talk bad about, then I do not truly deserve the 3 chervons upon my chest, all the things I've been through for the past 11 months would be have for nothing. At the end of the day, its really not about comparing, but again, its to reflect upon oneself. At this point in time, I wouldn't say I'm a good commander, nor will I say I'm a lousy one. Its the initial stage, and I've been doing my best, not skiving off, but rather, taking appropraite breaks when I free or am about to be burnt out. I don't know what holds for me in the near future, whether I'm able to keep the fire burning as strongly as it is now. However, one thing I have to reconsider, are these commanders, whom I looked up to as a recruit, really the role models I wanna have, as both a commander to my future recruits, as well as a colleague and senior to my future working colleagues. At this point in time, I just refuse to accept the bleak truth, but rather, I'll not waste this two years of my army life, continue to (force myself to) think positively, and still work towards the same goal I've been working towards to: Being a good commander, Being a good senior and colleague.

Memories of Whiskey, Memories with Whiskey

2011-03-12T10:03:00.002+08:00

And so, I went through my second field camp and SITEST with Whiskey, my first as an instructor, a commander. The feeling was pretty much nostalgic, going back to the campsites where I went through all the outfield trainings 11 months ago, and now, I'm seeing shades of the past in my recruits. Many people complain about outfield, how they don't get to bathe, eat proper food, or even get to practise proper hygiene. Perhaps its because I'm there as an instructor, not as a trainee who gets all the crap load, but still, the feeling of being outfield is really beyond what words can express.

These few weeks, I've been chatting with several people, people whom I'm proud to work with and even talk to about my troubles. Throughout these past weeks, I've managed to have some good sharing sessions with Azli, Azman, Sze Wee, Bryan, and Rudy. Somehow, one way or another, the thoughts of being in Tekong, being stuck on this lil island, is dissipating. Perhaps, for the first time, I enjoyed being in Tekong, working, playing, talking, sweating it all out with my friends, fellow commanders and officers. There's nothing to worry about inside, probably just to avoid getting ourselves into trouble, signing extras, getting our asses burnt and balls squeezed. But apart from this, many of us actually feel very free inside, not talking about the free time, but rather, free of worries. Back on the outside, we have family, friends whom we are not as close to anymore, and our own personal problems, but in camp, after working hours, we are all equals, facing similar problems, going through similar experiences.

I'm not blaming SAF for eating away 2 years of my life, in fact, I've experienced many things which I never dreamt I could, discover how far I can actually push my limits, and get to see and work with many different kind of people. Posted to Tekong, I'm kinda separated from my close friends and family, the gap which has existed only seem to widen. Topics which we can chat about seems to be nothing but the distant past. In a way, there's nothing much that we can relate to with others on the mainland, not to even talk about our friends who've finished or need not serve the army. I still love my family, I still love my friends, just that being with them, seeing them do things, outings, celebrations, gatherings, just makes me feel miserable; one, for not being able to join, two, for not knowing what's going on. Initially, I thought that I was the only one going through this problem, of not being able to relate to people, or just simply wanting to be 'antisocial' when we're on the outside. After a heart-to-heart chat with Sze Wee, Azli and Azman, I realized I wasn't alone. Not that its a good thing, because that I know my friends are going through the same terrible-feeling crap as me. It during this sharing that I discovered, I was actually 'normal'. People who normally seem so strong, so normal on the outside, actually has so much troubles beneath their strong side. We've asked ourselves this question: Which is worse, being asked for an outing which people know you cannot go, or finding it out through pictures without being asked? Somehow, things we've love to do in the past with our friends outside, music, sports or even just a chillout, kinda lost its shine already. People whom we're close to on the outside, in the past, seems to be more and more of a stranger.

Nevertheless, I still know I have friends on the inside I can fall on, I can count on. Friends whom I work with, Friends from Whiskey.

Doesn't suck as much as it seems

2011-02-23T09:52:00.003+08:00

It doesn't matter how many things I've missed out,
Or how many things I'll be missing,
At the very least,
I still have my budd and WHISKEY by my side.

2011-02-09T19:09:00.001+08:00

epic shit

2011-02-05T20:08:00.002+08:00

to continue to put a lil distance in between, because of the fear of making a wrong move of hurting ppl again.

to get closer as friends, not knowing how it'll end up, and maybe recreate mistakes of the past.

to isolate yourself, in order to reflect as to how to get closer to the others.

to move forward, only to have to face the problems of 'what ifs' ahead

to stay stagnant, only to dwell on the current problems

2011-02-02T18:09:00.003+08:00

Never thought I'd ever contact that person, and first thing sent out was just some info, some fucking info. And it all just started with "I won't be going anymore, and I think you all will be happier then." Then when things weren't handles properly, everything takes a sharp, wrong turn.
Yet, the routine continues daily, though it just makes things worse every single time.

Never know the kind of bastard you'll become till a certain point in time of your life.

Rubbish, utter nonsense

2011-01-29T12:40:00.001+08:00

the very truth which makes people pushes others away,
is the very truth which might solve everything

yea, and I know I shouldn't have done a lotta things,
but I seem to do them anyway

ironic

2011-01-29T11:28:00.002+08:00

There are times where you wished answers were as easy as yes or no, yet the times where 'how am I gonna respond, reply, react' seems to kick in more naturally, no questions asked.

Ignore, and maybe risk certain things along with the balloon going on bursting mode, or be frank, and risk everything.

2011-01-26T23:08:00.002+08:00

Its when you're close to people, there are things which you wanna tell them, but you can't.
Its when you wanna open up to people, but you aren't able to do it, not because you don't trust them, but its you yourself whom you do not trust.
Its when you try not to rush things, in order not to make a wrong decision you'll regret, but its that moment which you took to think and have the opportunity missed, make you have that very regret.
Its when you try to get the problem that hurt you away, by all means, yet you find yourself hurting yourself and the people around you more, you'll just stop there, and end up letting it worsen.
Its when you try to let things go, let off some steam, to stop hurting yourself, that you'll tend to do things self destructive, hurting yourself more.
Its when you try to convince yourself its all but a nightmare which you'll find a way to wake up from, and get things settled, where you find that the very nightmare is so very real, in reality.

2011-01-25T11:54:00.001+08:00

It never hurt so much before.
Seems like the self destruction path is gonna continue.

2011-01-20T08:20:00.004+08:00

I need to find cheap and healthier thrills
I need to stop destroying things and people
I need to stop blowing things up (including myself)
I need to learn to appreciate things and people
Most importantly, I need to learn to let things go, in order to move ahead.

With things going on as what they are these days, it makes me wonder; 'was it all worth it?' After everything that has happened, it kept me wondering if I did grow up at all. True enough, I was learning to cope with things, but just a few months, everything and everyone whom I was once close with all seem so distant, as if I was never part of their lives, and they were never part of mine. Everyone seems to have a new mask in front of everybody else, putting on a facade, making things so awkward each time. Worse of all, things which I've once enjoyed, are now more of a stress - inducer rather than a stress reliever. After all the experience I've been through, the sad part is I've yet to trust myself enough to open up, to share my problems with others that people constantly remind me to let of some steam, share my problems and prevent myself from bursting like a balloon (yet sometimes, ironically, I do wish that happens).

Probably the thing which makes me feel the worst is that after all this time, I've yet to learn how to appreciate people and things around me. Not that I've been taking things for granted, but rather, coping with people and situations hasn't really been my forte nor something which I've learned to improve. As a result, I end up suffering, so as the people around me. Perhaps its my ego, perhaps its my personality which I seriously need to change. I kind of enjoy being around the people in Whiskey, as they respect and are proud of who I am, what I've done and for the very person I am. Once in a while, everyone needs to be recognized, and I'm no exception. The things I'm currently doing there may not be exactly something grand nor important, yet its something which others recognizes the effort that I've put in.

Enough said, I'm still a childish whiny piece of crap. I need to seriously re-evaluate my life, redefine relationships, learn to open up, trust the people around me as well as myself, and really grow up for the better

2010-11-07T16:53:00.002+08:00

Not that I want to, but somehow, I've shut myself inwards, shut myself from others unwillingly, sub-consciously, and its putting a toll on me, mentally. Just because I didn't manage to achieve as much, just because I didn't enter the band, just because I'm not as good a player, doesn't mean I deserve such glare and treatment.

2010-10-24T00:24:00.002+08:00

Cults like recruiting the college crowd, especially freshmen. There's a common perception that only stupid people join cults, but that's not accurate. They target people who are vulnerable emotionally, not intellectually - someone in late adolescence, away from home for the first time, is just about perfect. A person with self-esteem issues or with a big void in their life is prime, and would fit that description. People who've recently lost a job or had someone close to them die are often in the crosshairs. They prefer people with money or access to money, but slave labour is valuable too. To them, followers are livestock; young and strong is always best, that's why they take anyone they can get. Breeding is important too. The more attractive the recruit, the better he or she will be at attracting more recruits. The better the family, the more likely they have access to money. If they can't get money, there's always the 'world goods are evil' approach. Convince them to hock the jewelry, the car, even the clothes, and donate the proceeds to the organization. A cult uses 'love bombing' to convert someone with a brain into someone who follows orders without question. Its a technique where everything the target does is met with unconditional love - at first. No judgment, just acceptance. Its like being swarmed by golden retrievers. You cheat on your girlfriend? Not your fault. You have a drug problem? We don't care. You steal from your family? They were asking for it. No matter how irrational, that kind of positive reinforcement is addictive, and they don't let up, either; once a cult targets a potential member they stick with him every hour they can. They'll show up where he works, where he hangs out, where he lives. Once the target is hooked, the love becomes very conditional. It's withheld as punishment for breaking any of the rules of the cult. Those break down into two main categories: the standard ones, like 'no unauthorized contact with strangers,' 'no questioning the decisions of the leader,' 'only the cult loves you'; and the ones specific to a particular group, which can be pragmatic -'no sex,' or bizarre - 'you must never say the word "yellow". ' Breaking any of these rules results in the love being cut off, sending the addict into emotional withdrawal. Put it another way, they gorge on approval, then get put on a diet, leaving they literally starving for affection. Splurge and purge. Emotional bulimia - except its your mind being ravaged, not your body. They unloved and idealistic gets prayed. A lot of cults masquerade as volunteer organizations, doing community work for free. Idealists, tend to be naive. Once the cult has them working, it doesn't let up. Someone who's busy and exhausted doesn't have time to think. The 'community project' always winds up being something directly beneficial to the cult. Those are general approaches, but cult recruiters can be a lot more focused. They're salesmen - they have a whole bag of tricks, and they pull out whatever seems appropriate for a particular subject. If you're a complainer, they'll give you an outlet for your grievances. If you're socially conscious, they'll talk about politics They don't' just put together a profile of you - they put together a profile of that the ideal friend for you would be, and then they manufacture that identity. Sometimes it's the recruiter themselves, sometimes they assign someone else in the cult to become that person. Either way, that person's job is to put you in a position to be receptive to the cult's ideas. Once they have the potential members' attention, the techniques they use are far more sophisticated.

Hurt and Rescue, for one. Put the potential recruit into a dangerous or uncomfortable situation, then 'rescue' them. Properly done, you can even get the recruit to ask for help. Gratitude leads to trust, which leads to manipulation. Or you can involve the recruit in a trust exchange, where you do something for them without asking, and they feel obligated to do something for you in return, building an artificial bond which can then be played upon. At this stage, nothing that questionable has happened. You've made some new friends. They pay a lot of attention to you. They do nice things for you. They seem to share the same values your do.. and all they're asking for is a little bit of your time. Once you agreed to go to said meetings, it often turns out to be in a remote or isolated place. An evening can quickly become a weekend. Little or no sleep, food with no protein, lots of group activities like singing or chanting. No privacy - a member of the cult is always there, talking to you, touching you. When they think you're ready, they start the last stage. Its called breaking.

Basically, they destroy your personality in order to build a new one - one that will do whatever the cult says. They've already laid the groundwork; by this point the recruit believes the cult's values parallel his own, and the leader of the cult has be portrayed as the living embodiment of those values. A more perfect version of the recruit has been created in his mind, the kind of person that he could be if he wanted to. More popular, more attractive, happier - just better in every way. That's the carrot... and then they hit you with the stick.

It starts with confessions. Everyone's feeling emotional, so it's not hard to get the recruit to admit to something. Then the accusations start- you shouldn't have done that, you have no ethics, you're a terrible person. Its the last thing the recruit expects; having been pushed up this emotional ladder, they suddenly have their support yanked away. Its like having your emotions gang-raped. People that have carefully portrayed themselves as trustworthy are now calling you garbage. Reducing the recruit to tears isn't enough; they won't stop until the subject is curled up in a fetal ball on the floor. At that point, the subject is filled with such self-loathing they'll do anything to escape... but its not as simple as just running away. Aside from the fact that they're probably in the middle of nowhere, it's not that easy to get away from yourself, except to become a different person. A senior member of the cult - someone the recruit has come to respect - comes forward and embraces them. They offer forgiveness, redemption. All the recruit has to do is reject the person they used to be - which at that moment, is all they want to do anyway. They seize the opportunity to become a new person - and the cult has another member. Even then, it's not over. The new recruit is in his most malleable state, and they capitalize on that. This is when that false front the cult has put up vanishes and their real ideology comes out. The new personality soaks it up like a sponge- having rejected his old values, he needs something to replace them. The new structure is kept in place and reinforced by keeping the member busy, exhausted and overloaded with supercharged emotion. Disobey or question the smallest rule, and the love is immediately replaced by intense disapproval, To someone in the cultist's state of mind, it feels like being rejected by God himself.

Cults

2010-09-04T23:53:00.001+08:00

Never felt more out of place, never felt more crappy. Gonna need some time to regroup and think rationally

2010-08-29T19:11:00.002+08:00

Wun you agree this will put a smile on you face?

2010-08-29T12:58:00.002+08:00

Happiness is fragile and fleeing as the butterfly at night;
Thus it is the only thing of value in this life,
The only thing that can never be replaced.

I seemed to have lost this thing, this one thing I enjoyed the most before

):

2010-08-22T10:14:00.001+08:00

A boy gave a challenge to his girlfriend to live a day without him. No communications at all and he said that if she passed it, he’ll love her forever. The girl agreed. She didn’t text or call him the whole day, without knowing that her boyfriend had only 24 hours to live because he’s suffering from cancer. She excitedly went to her boyfriend’s house the next day. Tears fell as she saw her boyfriend lying on the coffin with a note on the side saying, "You did it, baby. Now, can you do it everyday? I love you."

2010-07-25T13:41:00.002+08:00

Its just one of the times where bad things just pile up, one after another. I'm hanging on to certain stuff, getting myself in things I shouldn't be involved, adding unnecessary stress, trouble and worries to myself. Visited K again, this time, nearly the entire evening, till the late night, thinking about what I've learnt, what I should be doing, and what are my priorities. For some reason, reflecting has lost its results. I need to learn how to cope, how to manage things better. I need to become stronger, physically and mentally. I need to, no, I HAVE to become a better person.

2010-07-18T11:37:00.002+08:00

I've really glad I took some time off to revisit certain places, think about certain stuff. Its been 2 months plus since I've entered National Service, where people say recruits become trained soldiers, boys become men. I've got the chance to think about certain stuff and reflect on myself. Looking back, I really wonder, did I really grow, did I really mature, did I become a better person. I've lost touch with things I was previously good in, things which I've enjoyed doing, and distanced myself from my close ones. While I'm opened up to many new things, I've closed up myself towards many others. Now, its not just a physical struggle for me, but also a mental and spiritual struggle. It will not be easy, definitely not without motivation and support. Nevertheless, I'll definitely find out what's wrong, and find the equilibrium within myself. For now, everything has more or less gotta be put on hiatus, everything.

I'll need to remind myself of who I really am,
I'll need to remind myself who are the people I love,
I'll want to miss the old times,
I'll want to remember the old me,
I'll want to miss the things that I once loved doing,
I want to be a new, a better me.

2010-04-27T10:41:00.004+08:00

Its been more than one month since I've neglected this site, but its more or less my final time coming here before I dun know how long. Yes, I'm about to whine about NS again, afterall, its seriously a bad time for me, with so many plans coming up. There are things I've waited for a long time to happen, yet I have to miss. Nevertheless, there are things which I never thought I could have done, but I did.

Bad time, bad time. I've wished I could have entered earlier, or perhaps later, maybe I wun be cursing as much. Oh well, this is just life for guys in S'pore. The alumni band which I've used almost all my life, ok, just nearly 3 years, to push for is taking shape. Proposal's accepted, conductor and members found, everything almost settled. Sadly, I wun be able to take part in the band which I've given in my all for, and play in it when it starts. Nevertheless, I've left the band to a group of people whom I know I can trust, and will definitely be back when I can.

Perhaps the only one thing I've regretted in JC for not joining band is missing the opportunity to play in JC-Poly Band Fest, or rather, the chance to perform in Esplanade. Now that NIESB has the chance to do so in the Uni Band Fest, I'm unable to perform, let alone attend.

(Be warned, more whining coming up!)

For the youth members currently playing in the main band, our common dream is given hope once again. The youth band is finally starting again. With so many plans coming up, and I'll have to miss most of them, my only consolation is that I'll still be able to attend practices on Sundays, making music with my most loved musicians, my siblings.

I'm exaggerating, sounding as though I'll be going to somewhere, never returning, jail, or even die. In reality, though its just NS, there are just things I would definitely miss dearly when I enlist tmr. My friends, teachers, buddies, rubbish (bed, computer, food, and the list continues...), flute, band, and most importantly, my family. I'll be missing new movies, great concerts, special events, some of which are "once in a lifetime" events. Nonetheless, its just 2 freaking years, or rather, 1 year 10 months. After which, I'ld have more time to pursue what I want. Maybe my consolation lies in not having to celebrate my 21st birthday in army?

The people who I'll miss:

The band which I've grown up in, the band which I've watched growing up.

My very special group of werewolves

My buddies who've stood by me all this time, not forgetting out occasional makan session

The buddy who guided me when I was lost and misguided

SSM- the very group of musicians whom I never fail enjoying their presence, be it music or fun
(And yes, I do miss Satoshi Sensei too!)

Not forgetting WJ (perhaps I just dun wanna be beaten up for forgetting him?)
Bro, you know how hard is it to find a decent picture with you?

One last day, one more chance!

Save Now

Pg 4, 33 and 37 are probably the pages I'ld hold dearly too,
If I were to really be given the chance

2010-03-21T02:59:00.004+08:00

& so it ended, with tears of joy and reluctance. The past 3 days were magical, or rather, musical. Under the baton of impressive conductors-cum-composers, Mr Oura, Mr Satoshi Yagisawa and Mr Kazuyasu Kaminaga, I think everyone's perception and horizon of music was widened significantly. Rarely do you see a composer who knows his pieces inside out so well to the extent that its kind of scary, nor do you often a conductor who conducts each piece with his life. I had the chance to play in a different band with several wonderful percussionists: Su Qi, Xiao Jin, Gerald, Eugene, Akari and Haruna! New people, new pieces, but nevertheless, a wonderful time playing music! The first few rehearsals weren't easy, not to mention the last 2, in addition to my elbow injury. Furthermore, I didn't manage to play well during the rehearsals due to the placement of the piano, thus giving a very bad performance. Luckily and surprisingly, I managed to perform my best on the day itself though I kinda screwed up one of the songs, The Bells of Sagrada Familia. However, I did pretty well for the Ephemeral Dreams of Prosperity I think, and guess what! Satoshi asked me to stand up! WOOTS!

Considering the fact that everyone did their best in this short period of time, while performing such heavy pieces, even though the music may not be perfect, we did play with our heart and very best! Still, it was an honour to perform in this concert, learn more about the composer, as well as his music. It was really heartwarming and touching to see him show his emotions throughout every song, even till the extent where he teared during the last piece before encore, Morning of Keith Haring. There are many great conductors out there, doing so many different kind of interpretations of his pieces, but there's still no one as good as the master himself. Afterall, no conductor can interpret the music as well as the conductor himself, for he wrote the music with his heart, as he can perform the music with his heart as well.

"If you do perform my work, I hope you can perform it with your heart"
Satoshi Yagisawa, 2010

The most amazing people:

Probably the cutest sticker ever

& not to mention, the cutest conductor, and definitely one of the best composers of all times:

2010-02-28T01:42:00.000+08:00

The angels weren't there when you needed them,
the sky shed blood throughout the suffocating wait.
All that's left is disappointment, grief, hatred?

2010-02-24T13:19:00.002+08:00

& after 15 years of piano education,
I can't even perform pieces which I took 6 months to interpret,
years to complete, nor even perform a complete song without mistakes to the people who wanted to hear.

2010-02-11T17:16:00.002+08:00

A junior asked me, even my own cousin did:
"Why do you still go back to band? Why are you in NIE band? You've graduated for so long, why still come back when the others don't?"

I've been thinking about these stuff for a pretty long time, and as much as the answer isn't as clear cut as ABC, I've never stop pondering about these matters at all. People ask me, teachers, students, workers, even the security guard, "Why do you keep coming back to GESS?" Its pretty obvious- I've grown up in GESS, that's my second home, that's where my 'other' family is, that's where I had all my memories I cherish a lot and that's where I made great friends, buddies and even one big family. It seems pretty fast, I've already graduated 2 years, many of my former teachers left, and there are a lot of new faces. Nevertheless, there are always those friendly faces around, asking me how I am, what am I currently doing and stuff. These are the people who inspire me throughout my secondary school life, and thus, I'll visit them often, and contribute back to the school as much as it has given me.

Why band? Why bother going back shouting, spending your time when you're not even paid a single cent, and sometimes even spoiling your day? I think very few people have the chance to say this. I grew up in band, and I'm proud of it. I've been questioned many times, even by my parents and my close friends. "Why do you go to band, both GESS and NIE band? The people there are old enough to be your uncles, even your grandparents!" I guess not many people have the opportunity of growing up doing something which you like. Not many people have the chance to say something which I'm proud to do so - I grew up in NIE band (I'm still growing though), and I'm proud of it. Most of my secondary school bandmates had their band life ended at the end of sec 4, although they pop by once in a while to see how the band is doing. Not many people whom I knew continue the path of music, the path of band. I had the opportunity of joining NIESB through the youth band. It wasn't an easy path, it was hell. Nevertheless, I've met people of my age, even younger than I am, sharing similar dreams, hopes and passion for music. I've met different people, many musicians whom I've never thought I would be able to do so. Of course, youngsters like me cannot be compared to them based on seniority and experience, but seriously who cares? How many people have the chance to perform with conductors? How many people get to meet talent individuals who are performing in the same band as them?

I've had a meal and a very good talk with one of the "seniors" in NIESB. It was enriching and an eye-opener for me. The people whom I play music along with are people who conducts band, people who composes, people who are in other bands, people who go to conferences every now and then, people who pay $7000 for a one way air ticket back to Singapore just not to miss practice, people who meet up with great composers, conductors and musicians frequently. I don't think these experiences come by often, let alone a platform for you to experience something you never thought you would. Even as a junior in the band, I've known of people and heard of their stories of their life in band, how they, too, grew up in band. I don't know how long I would be staying, but nevertheless, I've met great people, I've forged new bonds, I've close siblings supporting me. These are the people who show me that I'm not alone in walking down this path. These are the people who give me advice when I'm lost, entertain me when I'm bored or down. These are the people who I'ld give everything for. These are the people I'm proud of knowing and to be performing in the same band as them.

2010-02-08T20:43:00.002+08:00

"Family doesn't start with parents and siblings...
... nor does it end with blood."

2010-02-06T12:03:00.002+08:00

& i miss performing to people who enjoys my performance
& i miss the feeling of enjoying to perform
& i miss the feeling of enjoying music
& i miss the feeling of sharing the enjoyment of music
& i miss learning everything from the basics
& i miss music.......

2010-01-24T13:48:00.000+08:00

"& the best way to learn..

... is to teach."

2010-01-19T23:21:00.001+08:00

& the magic's finally working,
it'll be a short 3 months before a long term commitment!

CHE AVANZA!

2010-01-17T17:51:00.002+08:00

It seriously makes me sick to see people sucking up to higher authorities. People who don't commit themselves to their commitment suddenly showing enthusiasm, making committed people looking like fools. Be it a sudden change in heart or just some power-hungry motives, its really ridiculous to go the extra mile now when the same person didn't even bother during his / her time of service. Not that I'm against it, and no doubt these people do have true abilities, but not visiting for a long time, then suddenly pop up and having requests or commanding power, its just really absurd. Seriously, these power-hungry, 2-faced parasites just makes me feel sick and wonder if my commitment is worthwhile, while helping those who deserve this help yet having to entertain these people.

On a lighter note, the first practice after the Taiwan performance tour was pretty great. I got transferred back to flute section after 2 concerts and an entire year in a brand new, different yet fun, enriching, cheerful and wonderful group of percussionists! Nevertheless, while not being section-mates for this semester, I've still the honour of being bandmates with these same people! Furthermore, its really great to see familiar faces back in band. After quite some time, Shawn, Jasen and some people came back!

Still nothing beats making music with the people I cherish, while enjoying their presence at the same time (:

Taiwan Trip with NIESB, 27/12 - 04/01

2010-01-09T22:40:00.067+08:00

To my close ones,
this post is dedicated to you all. The unique relationship we all share, the music we create, the experiences we went through. Most importantly of all, the unconditional love and friendship you all have shown me.

A short 8-day trip of performances, fun, and probably my most exciting trip overseas so far. This concert tour for the Chiayi International Band Festival has given me invaluable experiences, wonderful memories and new friendship. I've befriended people whom I've never thought I would interact much with through this tour. New bonds were forged, current relationships strengthened.

I've missed:
the 10-14 degrees weather,
the beautiful nightlights,
the long nights and short days,
the busy nightlife,
all the food (臭豆腐，刮包，蚝面线，麻辣火锅，超大鸡扒 and many many more)
the new friends I've made,
the 10-course meals,
the good and horrible hotels,
the 'other' side of many people,
last but not the least,
the great company I've had throughout!

Nevertheless, let the pictures do the talking.

Catching-up session with Shu Han:

First outdoor performance at Chiayi:

Exchange Programme with 立仁高中:

Chiayi Brewery:

Meal Sessions:

Countdown!

Indoor Full Concert:

Back to Taipei:

Toilet Restaurant!

Last Day:

The Band, the family:

New Acquaintances:

Glam/Unglam:

Finally, the people I wanna thank for making this trip a superb one for me.

The percussion family:
Mr Tan, Kassyn, Mr Wong, Refat & Hieu (not forgetting Wei Jie too!)
It was an honour performing with you all. I've learnt a lot of things and even got the chance to play on instruments i never would have dreamt of doing so. It was a great experience! For the short time I've joined the percussion family, thanks for everything!

Mr Tan:
I joined the percussion section last year, and performed in 2 concerts. You were the one guiding me the most, teaching me things, correcting my mistakes. It was scary though, to see the "other" side of Mr Tan! Thanks for being so patient with me, making my stay in percussion an enriching and enjoyable one!

谢谢老板！

Siblings:

Lewis:
Room mate! I'm really sorry for not taking good care of you in Taiwan, ending up with you not feeling well. Although its like we've known each other for 6 months or so, you've been more than a friend, but rather, a big brother. Seriously, you've a god-given talent for music, especially your horn playing. I thank you for the concern you've shown, the nonsense you've made, the laughter you've shared and the music you've played. All the best Lewis!

Ivy 老大！
Very hard to get a proper picture with me right! You still freaking owe me a piano piece of which you'll perform personally! No doubt, your company has made my trip, even my life, an enjoyable one! The tough physics/ math questions we discussed during our A's, and even playing music in the same section! Somehow, you'll kinda know if I'm not exactly in a very good mood, and will automatically come entertain me! Thanks for being there when i needed someone yea!

Gena Gena Gena!
From a clarinetist, now you're a musician, even a conductor! Well done! You always blow me away with your unique interpretation of pieces and your sincere playing of your clarinet! I really appreciate all the times where we had heart-to-heart talks with each other, sharing troubles and accomplishments. You were always able to put a smile on my face with your stupid jokes (sometimes actions too), and your sincere concern. Continue to grow as a musician, even more, do develop into a great person!

Li Min!
"Elmo without 'l' is emo!" You freaking Elmo freak! Though we didn't talk much, but at least we're a "couple" for some time in Taiwan eh! You're always there to join in the fun, make music together and most importantly of all, show concern for everyone! I'm thankful for your company, be it Taiwan or Singapore. Do know what you want, and work towards it! I'm sure you'll be able to form a Primary School Marching Band! All the best for your future, and most importantly of all, tomorrow. May you shine for your O's!

大哥！嘛吉！
Ever since I first stepped into NIEYB, you were the one who took care of me the most. You were the one who I can share my troubles with, you were the one whom I can always depend on. Despite your "bullying", mocking, disturbing, you remain a good friend, a even better brother. As much you've sometimes made life a living hell for me, you've made it enjoyable to the extent i couldn't have asked for more. No doubt, you're the one who knows all the siblings the best, and your concern does touch every single one of us! For all the fun, enjoyment, havoc, craziness, crap, music, troubles and many more things, a big big THANK YOU to you. I'm really looking forward to working with you in the logistics department, teaching you piano, playing in the same section as you, and even more so, more fun times with you!

Thank you all!

2009-12-24T11:18:00.000+08:00

& things ain't the same anymore,
this christmas is going to be at dull one.

2009-12-21T09:52:00.003+08:00

Concert's over, Taiwan trip coming up.
To those who came, thanks(:

Vilson, Casa, Yonghui, Bryan

Joanne, Kai Yao, Eddie, Lex
(Really sorry that i couldn't join you guys!)

My motivation for this concert:

It wasn't a hard time, but with these folks,
Everything turned out fine.
Once again, thanks for everything!

2009-12-19T01:30:00.003+08:00

Whats the point when -
you tried your best and people don't appreciate it?
you worked hard and people treat it as nothing?
you practised hard for an upcoming concert when others treat it like a joke?
you tried to make music when some people are just fooling around?
you tried to perform the best for a performance when everyone else is not ready at all?

There's just no sense in it, not a single bit.

2009-12-09T12:30:00.002+08:00

It may not have been my best camp,
but it definitely was my most memorable one.
Its not about the presents or recognition,
but when efforts are appreciated, thats where the real gift lies.
Thank you!

2009-11-11T05:53:00.002+08:00

Its a tough period, especially one with a bad start.
Nevertheless, its definitely something worth struggling and fighting for.
Time to conquer GP later on!

2009-11-05T00:26:00.003+08:00

everything seems so shaky, so unprepared.
6 more days to prepare, 6 more days to make a difference.

M.E, if you're reading this,
I really hope you can turn up.
A word of encouragement,
or perhaps a note of acknowledgment.

2009-10-12T22:22:00.001+08:00

Its not easy,
It never was,
It never is.

less than a month to go,
please give me strength.

2009-10-08T22:50:00.001+08:00

I can't seem to sustain the momentum,
I can't seem to hold on to the drive,
I can't seem to achieve anything more,
I need help.

2009-10-04T22:38:00.003+08:00

I fell, but i won't stay down. I've wasted lots of precious time, 1 year is a hard price to pay. I'm making it up with double, triple, even 10 times the effort. 34 more days, thats the amount of time I have to make a difference, the amount of time I have to determine my life for the next 4 years. Its the final lap, no defeatist tone, no pessimistic thoughts. With or without support, someone to pace, I won't slow down, I won't stop and I'll make it through!

2009-10-03T10:51:00.002+08:00

First time I've really put in effort into something, really mugged, studied and practised. In the end, still fail damn horribly. Too bad, I had the right attitude a lil too late, and I've got no aptitude. Results used to me my motivation, but now, it clearly ain't. I need a motivation, I need a structure, desperately.

2008-09-23T22:44:00.002+08:00

sometimes dun you wish time can stay still for you,
and you can just sit back and enjoy all the happy moments?

aren't there times where you wish you're a bird?
flying freely in the sky, without worries about studies and stuff?
there'll be food and water; there'll even be company..
what more can you ask for from a life without worries nor stress?

a wiseman once told me,
'your eyes have become too clouded to see,
even if the answers were right in front of you,
you would have been incapable of finding them.'

Since then, i was never haunted by those dreams again..
Instead, something else had taken its place..
The feeling that someone was calling for me..
Like the faint whisper of the glowing end of a cigarette..